Richer.

It really is easier to experience spiritual connection when your life is in the process of coming apart.

~ Anne Lamott

So far we have talked about living Lighter, Larger, and Stronger. What would it look like to live Richer? Not money-richer, but emotionally-richer. Relationally-richer. Soul-richer. Enneagram 4s, 6s, and 8s default to the stress strategy of Emotional Expression when confronted with difficult situations, and that is a talent and skill you can tap into, regardless of your personality preferences.

Yesterday Kellie and I were trail running up from Bass Lake to Moses Cone and back down; if you know the area, you’ll know this is a hugely popular (and downright gorgeous place) for people to hike, walk their dogs, fish, paint… you name it. The weather was perfect—sunny, in the 70s—and everyone was out. It was a great setup before it went horribly wrong. Because of some physical issues of late, Kellie didn’t want to run up the mountain, and I didn’t want to run down. So I went ahead from the bottom and waited for her at the top; she went ahead of me on the way down and waited for me at the bottom… but I didn’t come. She assumed I would meet her at where the trail comes down to the lake, and I assumed I would meet her at the car, so I took a little shortcut.

As a result, we both waited for each other for over an hour, each of us getting increasingly worried and frustrated, until we found each other. It was a terrible feeling, and you have probably experienced something similar. There was a lot of consternation to process together, and it took us most of the day to reclaim our usual shalom. And this is where the skill of Emotional Expression comes in handy. As a Type 6 and 8, we know this dynamic well—we know how to talk; we know how to express what we’re feeling. And while feelings can be weaponized, after 32 years of marriage we’ve gotten pretty good at stepping down the emotional charge so that we can use communication to heal rather than wound.

Connection and communion between souls happens most frequently through words. Words are an attempt, albeit clumsy, to invite another person into our heart space to see, feel, and understand what’s happening inside. Some are more comfortable and capable with their words than others. I’ve taken enough clients through emotional-expression exercises to know how difficult it is for some to articulate what they are feeling in the moment. The right words can be elusive, and when that happens relational intimacy is usually elusive. So it’s smart to train ourselves in this valuable art, both to forge these interpersonal connections as well as to reduce stressful situations.

Like each of the skills we’ve discussed so far (optimism, competency, and now expression), the tool can be used badly. In its immature form, the gift of emotional expression comes off the rails of wisdom and restraint: Rather than serving as an emotional relief valve, it goes the opposite direction and dials up the intensity. So what started as a stress point of 7 now gets turned up to 11 and makes everything worse. But with experience, practice, and maturity we can all learn to soothe ruffled souls—ours and others’— with kind and compassionate words.

growing the soul

How skilled are you with Emotional Expression? If you’d like to lean into this tool, try this short Emotion Exercise.

serving the world

This resource can not only help defuse your own stress, but it can help someone else with theirs. The next time you see someone freaking out, ask calm, compassionate questions to draw out their heart. Be the non-anxious presence in an anxious situation.

takeaway

Talk. Nicely.